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  “Deep breaths,” he encouraged.

  I took several deep breaths and then my world started to right itself again. His legs disappeared, and I heard the truck door slam. Then he was pressing a bottle of water into my hands.

  “Take a sip.”

  I brought my head back up and took several sips of water.

  “Sorry,” I said with misery. My eyes burned with tears.

  A huge hand touched the back of my neck. He lifted my chin with the other hand and looked at my face.

  “Emily,” he said with concern. “What’s going on?”

  I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. “Nothing.”

  His thumb brushed my tear away. He stared at me with concern.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head and avoided his eyes.

  He sat down on the gate beside me and pulled me against him so my head nestled against the crook of his arm. I shut my eyes and concentrated on breathing.

  I loved this man.

  My eyes flew open. Oh, my God. I pushed myself off him. It couldn’t be true. That would be just stupidity on my part. I couldn’t love him. That was just insane. It was such a crazy scary thought I felt a need to escape. I scrambled off the back of the truck. “We should go.”

  I avoided his eyes. What if he could see my feelings in my gaze? What if he knew how I felt about him? How could this be happening to me?

  “Are you sure you are okay?”

  I put my hands over my face. “I'm fine.”

  “Emily.”

  A shudder went through my body at the sound of him saying my name. Really? Had I really gone and fallen in love with the most unattainable man in the world? There was no way someone like him would ever love me back.

  Jackson could never find out how I felt. He was so kind to me. So caring and gentle. And I repaid him by falling in love with him? This probably happened to him all the time. Women threw themselves at him. Fell for him. I was just another casualty under his spell. My stomach felt as hard as a rock. I needed to process this.

  I spun around. “We should go.”

  I heard the sound of his feet hitting the ground and then the slam of the truck gate being shut. “Okay. Let’s go.”

  Chapter 28

  I don’t recommend falling in love with someone other than your fiancé. It's a heartbreaking affair with no happy ending. Jackson had been nothing but a supportive and caring friend towards me, so to reward him, I spent the next four days avoiding him like he had the plague. It’s kind of like being an addict. You can spend all this time indulging in your addiction, and as long as you tell yourself that you are not in over your head, you can just keep on going. The moment you get truthful and real with yourself, that self-honesty just shatters any illusions you have.

  I was a goner. Way past the point of return with Jackson. I mean, the guy would walk into the room, and I could feel my heart accelerate. I was physically incapable of not looking at him when he was near. I dreamt of him, thought of him every moment, and daydreamed about a future that would never happen.

  I studiously avoided him. I even went so far as to call the gallery and volunteer to come in and help with displays so that I didn’t have to be home alone with him. I would catch him studying me, and it made me feel sorry for outright pushing him away, but I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for him I couldn’t even deal.

  Matt had stopped texting and communicating altogether. I heard him come in. Always late at night, long after I had gone to bed. Where he was going and what he was doing was anyone’s guess, but I didn’t have a clue how to deal with him. So I did what I always did best when things got complicated. I pretended it wasn’t happening and just carried on. That was how I handled it when my parents died. That’s how I handled it when my granny passed. I just sucked it up and acted like everything was fine. It was how I got through everything terrible in my life.

  It was late in the afternoon, and I was sitting on the patio with Chloe listening to music on my iPod. Jackson had gone for a run. I ran upstairs to switch the laundry. I folded the towels from Jackson’s bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and stepped in.

  I froze. I observed the scene in slow motion. Jackson was in the shower. Steam swirled around the room. His head was back. His slicked back hair showed off the sharp angular features of his face. His eyes shut as the water pounded over his face. Massive shoulders, huge arms. Washboard stomach that tapered down to…oh, my God, his hand was on his member. And it was hard! He was masturbating. Jackson was masturbating! Frozen, I could not peel my eyes off his hand, wrapped around his aroused hardness, moving on it, up and down. I had never seen the male appendage before in my life, and I was stunned at how big it was. My breath was coming in short gasps. His hand stilled, and I dragged my eyes up to his face. Green eyes were staring at me. Dark and aroused.

  The towels and my iPod dropped out of my numb hands, and the earpieces ripped out of my ears. All I could hear was my harsh breathing.

  “I'm so sorry,” I breathed. I backed up, hitting my head hard against the half-opened door. Holding the back of my head, I fumbled in a panic to get out. I had just violated his privacy.

  “Em,” he said, his voice low.

  “Jackson, I'm sorry,” I yanked open the door and hauled my ass out of there. I ran to my bathroom and slid down the wall, my face in my hands. I was breathing hard, even more tingly than when he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

  Flashes of his body kept replaying in my mind. Jackson, in all his glory. Aroused. Erect. It was so big. I had no idea how something like that would even fit into a woman. That wasn’t even normal, was it?

  Jackson was gorgeous, but Jackson naked and aroused, that was something that would ruin me for all other men. OMG. I would never be able to think of anything else when he was in the room.

  Matt was never around. I didn’t even care. Because I was in so deep with how I felt about Jackson, I couldn’t even think straight. Did I try and end it with Matt? No. Did I try and fix things? No. Did I try and end our engagement? No. Because in my mind I was still planning on marrying Matt.

  I told myself lie after lie. We were going through a rough patch. This was just wedding jitters for both of us. None of this was real. My feelings for Jackson were not real. I needed to get a grip. I needed to get my facts straight. One, Jackson was so out of my pay grade it wasn’t even funny. Two, he did not want me. Most of this situation was my overactive imagination. Three, if the world was ending and for some bizarre reason we decided to cross that line, it would destroy his relationship with Matt and Irene. Four, he had a dangerous job, and he didn’t want marriage, and he didn’t want children. I did. Five, there was zero chance of any future between us.

  Now I needed to go downstairs and act like nothing was wrong. I needed to face the music.

  I made my way down the stairs. Jackson was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. His hair was damp. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that clung to his hard chest. With his long legs crossed, he scrolled on his phone.

  I sat down at the island and took a deep breath and avoided his gaze.

  “I ordered some pizza,” he finally said.

  “Okay, thanks,” my voice sounded weird.

  He stepped forward and with exaggerated care, placed my iPod on the island in front of me. Neither of us spoke. I traced my finger over a pattern in the granite. Not awkward at all. I thought about his huge erect member in his big hand. I turned bright red. I covered my face with my hands and moaned.

  He laughed. “Em.”

  “I'm very sorry about that."

  “You got yourself a little-unexpected peep show.”

  “Jackson, stop,” I pleaded. “I didn’t know you were home.”

  “The look on your face,” he baited. “It’s like you’ve never seen anyone do that before.”

  My eyes, against my stern permission, flew to his face. He was staring at me with the most intense look.

  “You have seen
a guy jerk off before, haven’t you?” he asked slowly.

  I shook my head. The words were coming out of my mouth like someone had injected me with truth serum. “I haven’t seen a naked guy before. At least not in real life.”

  Desire flickered to life in his eyes as he held my gaze. “Emily, what exactly have you done?”

  I licked my lips. “Why?”

  “Curious.”

  I told myself to think of this as a friendly sex-ed talk with an older guy friend. “I’ve kissed.”

  “And?”

  I shrugged, dropping my eyes.

  “Have you ever had a guy go down on you?”

  My eyes flew to his face. “Like with his mouth?”

  “Yes, with his mouth.”

  “No!”

  “Have any of your little boyfriends ever coped a feel.”

  I looked at him suspiciously. “What kind of feel?”

  “You know, maybe one of them slid their hand up your skirt and explored a bit?”

  My face flamed. And something low and throbbing was happening between my legs. I was loving this conversation and hating it at the same time.

  “No,” my voice was barely a whisper.

  He started to move. As he walked past me, he put his mouth on my ear. I froze as sensations shot down my neck where his breath was tickling my skin.

  “Ready to talk about it yet?” his voice was low.

  I shook my head.

  “I'm going out. Money is on the counter for the pizza.”

  And with that, he left.

  I ate pizza by myself before dragging myself upstairs for the night.

  Chapter 29

  The next morning, I found my car keys on the island. Jackson was nowhere in sight which was probably for the best since things couldn’t get more awkward between us. It wasn’t him. It was all me. He was normal. He teased, flirted a bit, all harmless fun. I was the one ruining it with my traitorous feelings that I couldn’t help but wear on my sleeve. I was ashamed about how I felt. I felt transparent around him. I wanted to spend all my time in his presence, and I also wanted to hide away from his knowing gaze.

  I worked a half day at the gallery. Then I made my way to a small bistro, where I met Julie for lunch. After we ordered, she took a good look at me.

  “Jesus, you look exhausted. Have you been losing weight?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know. I think the wedding is stressing me out.” That and the fact that my fiancé and I hadn’t talked in days and that he was missing in action and I didn’t even care. Or maybe it was the knowledge that I had fallen in love with another man, a beautiful, unattainable man who threw me for a complete loop every single time he walked into the room.

  “Do you have any big plans for your birthday?”

  I shook my head. “Matt is a workaholic right now. I barely see him.”

  “Why don’t we do a fun dinner out?”

  I shook my head. That was the last thing I needed. “I don’t know.”

  “Let me plan the entire thing. How about next Friday? That’s your actual birthday,” she reached across the table and squeezed my arm.

  “Julie.”

  “I mean it. Leave it all to me. You tell Jackson since you won’t give me his cell number and I'll arrange the rest. We'll go to my favorite restaurant.”

  I didn’t want to disappoint her. “Okay.”

  “So,” she smiled sheepishly. “Jackson didn’t call.”

  I stared at Julie, thinking about Jackson. Julie and the vet were two attractive women who had thrown themselves at him, and he had been indifferent. The whole thing just made my stupid crush even more embarrassing.

  Julie stared at me. “What’s going on with you?”

  I gave her a wan smile. “Nothing.”

  She leaned forward. “I know you. Something is going on. What is it?”

  I swallowed. She was the last person I wanted to tell my problems to.

  “Is it Matt?”

  I shook my head and lied. “No, Matt’s fine.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Is it Jackson? Is he a bad house guest?”

  “No!” I protested. “Jackson is a great house guest.”

  She leaned back and crossed her arms. “Oh, my God.”

  “What?” My throat tightened.

  She gave a harsh laugh. “You’re crushing.”

  My eyes went wide. “What?! No. No!”

  She pointed her finger at me. “I know that look. You have some big fucking crush on Jackson.”

  “I don’t.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Does Matt know?”

  I crossed my arms. “There is nothing for Matt to know because I'm not crushing. On Jackson? Please.”

  She shook her head. “You got it bad. I can tell.”

  “Julie,” I said, feeling incredibly alarmed. “Don’t be crazy. Don’t even go there.”

  She gave me a knowing smile and then slapped my arm. “Oh relax, I'm just teasing you.”

  I heaved a sigh of relief. “Don’t even tease about that kind of stuff. It isn’t funny.”

  After lunch, I made my way home. I found Jackson lying on the couch, with Chloe curled up on his chest. He was reading, and she was snoring in complete contentment. I had never been so jealous of anyone in my life. I wanted to be my dog.

  I kicked off my heels and flopped on the chair across from them. Jackson looked at me over his book. He looked tired. I wondered what time he had gotten home last night. Would things be weird for us after our previous conversation? Would I ever get past the fact that I had seen him naked? Flashes of him touching himself passed through my mind. I started to blush again.

  “How was your day?” he asked.

  “Julie took me out for lunch.”

  “How’s Julie?” Amusement traced his voice.

  “She’s good. She wants to plan a little birthday dinner for me on Friday. Just a few of my friends. You're invited.”

  “That should be fun for you,” Green eyes studied my face.

  “I guess.”

  He raised his eyebrows in question.

  I shrugged. “Parties aren’t my thing. How’s your day been?”

  He shrugged. “Same old. I bought some groceries.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What are you doing now?”

  I looked around. I still had loads of things to do for the wedding, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do any of it. “What did you have in mind?”

  “Want to take Chloe for a walk?”

  After I changed, we started our walk. Usually, it was just me walking her, but Chloe seemed extra excited that Jackson was with us. She kept stopping and sticking her nose in his hand.

  “Is this your usual route?” he asked, looking around.

  “Yeah, I usually walk her down to the river. There’s lots of grass there.”

  “I run down here.”

  We walked in compatible silence for a time.

  “How are you and Matt doing?”

  “I don’t know. He’s never around. And it seems like neither of us wants to make the first move to talk about stuff.”

  “You still want to get married?”

  I paused for so long that Jackson looked down at me.

  “I'm hoping that if we can just make it to this wedding, everything will just sort itself out.”

  “Is that how it works?”

  I gave a short laugh. “God I hope so. We need to get past this.”

  “What’s this?”

  I looked down at my sneakers. “Things used to be easy. He was busy, but he made an effort to see me. I would do my stuff and be excited to see him. Life was easy. Now everything just seems hard.”

  “You seem pretty determined to get married.”

  I didn’t want to talk about marrying Matt because it stressed me out. “I want what my parents had.”

  “What was that?”

  “I don’t know. We were a family. We were happy. Right now, I don’t have any family left.”

  We wal
ked in silence for a long time. “That’s why you want kids. You want a family again.”

  “Is that so awful? To want a family?”

  “No.”

  I sucked in my breath. “But you don’t want that. You don’t want a family.”

  “No.”

  Again my stupid heart impaled itself on his words.

  “Well, I guess there are lots of women who don’t want that either.”

  We stood along the riverbank and watched as Chloe moved with determination, her nose to the ground.

  “If Matt told you that he didn’t want children, would you still want to be with him?” His question came out of nowhere.

  My heart pounded. If Matt told me he didn’t want children, it would feel like a get out of jail free card. It would mean I didn’t have to go through with this wedding. I slammed my mind shut on that thought, feeling immediate retribution.

  I paused and looked up at him. “No. I would not want to marry him.”

  My words hung awkwardly between us.

  He picked up a stick and threw it a ridiculous distance for Chloe. “You want kids that bad?”

  I pushed both my hands through my hair. “I don’t know! I'm so mixed up about everything.”

  “What are you mixed up about?”

  Anxiety flooded my body. My stomach hurt. “Nothing.”

  “Okay.”

  I dropped to my haunches and put my arms over my head. I moaned. “I'm so fucked up.”

  Two strong hands grasped my wrists and gently pulled them off my head. Jackson crouched in front of me. I looked with anguish up into his face. “I don’t know what I'm doing anymore.”

  His expression was a mixture of concern and curiosity.

  I took a deep breath. “I'm a hot mess.”

  A smile grew on his face, and then he started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I began to laugh too.

  “This isn’t funny,” I protested, laughing. “Nothing is working out. And instead of doing anything about my problems, I just pretend they don’t exist.”

  Our laughter subsided, and he said with meaning. “You deserve your happy ending.”